Last summer I had the heartbreaking privilege of watching my soulmate get married over Instagram posts & Facebook reels. A special kind of gut punch only the internet can deliver.
People have lots of different ideas and opinions about soul mates. And mine have definitely shifted as I've gotten older. I believe soulmates are not the ooey-gooey rom-com partners, although those feelings can be included. And in my case, this relationship was very much like that. But at their core I believe soulmates are true mirrors for your greatest growth and wellbeing as well as reflections of your darkest shadows. And the issues that surface in soulmate relationships are difficult because they carry your greatest potential for healing our heaviest wounds.
This man and I had definitely shared previous lifetimes and in this lifetime, spent over a decade of our lives together. The day I met him, I just knew him. I always called him my Gentle Teacher.
One dreary January morning, as wet snow slid down my windows, he called me to say hello. From the tone of his voice I could just tell that something big was happening...
"I'm getting married Jazz"...
As if I were stung by a thousand bees at once, I fell to my feet.
After we hung up, I drove aimlessly in an attempt to do errands, ending up at a sparsely peppered Target store with grandmothers shopping for their favorite hair dye. It was one of those days that you can't remember much except for the most mundane details.
I cried, without tears. The news was expected, and also shocking, too shocking for my eyes to produce water. It was something I had been half dreading since we separated over a decade before. Of course I wanted him to be happy. I had always been quietly waiting for this call. And when the phone rang, I was still not prepared. When will I learn, you can never prepare for heartbreak?
I summoned the support of friends, told them I had come up with a plan to ninja rope drop into the wedding, scaling the building, (with a pit stop at the cheese station). Not to stop the wedding, but to witness it. So it could feel real to me.
Once summer came and their wedding date approached, I had composed myself as best I could. With each creaking day, I noticed my sadness was shifting. Wisdom was emerging...
As I saw posts of their epic celebration at the altar, with his shining smile, and her warm and tender embrace, I realized that whatever was good for him, was good for me. That ultimately this is what love really is, pure admiration without ego. To hold joy for someone you love and know that joy is carving depth in you as well. The medicine became clear. His moving on, was life's essence emerging. Love pushing the edges of the world further out to make more room.
This is only ever a good thing.
The one thing the world always needs more of is unconditional love.
I stopped imagining myself as a guest in those photos and celebrated them just as they were. Without hesitation. I appreciated her love for him. Her elated smile. They way they looked at eachother. How I could sense she takes care of him, follows his leadership, celebrates his strength and brings him peace. How the warmth of his hands molded to hers perfectly, their rings shining in unison.
What happened next was beautiful.
The folds of my heart opened to reveal secret passage ways I had not yet discovered. I was suddenly able to connect more deeply with people I love in my life. To feel more present. To feel more gratitude. To say yes to more joy. Life was spilling over.
What is good for one, is good for all. Be joyful when joy emerges friends, it will always circle back to kiss you on the forehead before it departs.