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Understanding the Lessons of Infidelity: What I learned from cheating and being cheated on. (Part 1)

Updated: Mar 30



Learning from the experience of cheating has been with me as long as I can remember. It's one that weaves its thorns into my family's lineage for many generations. After infidelity blew up my adult life, I knew I needed to heal this ancestral wound that, I would call: A desire to hide from oneself.



I'll start with sharing what I learned from the experience of being the one who cheated:


I found myself as a young woman, trying to figure out my own sexuality and the power it held. I quickly learned that the behaviors I witnessed as a child were intoxicating as an adult. Receiving attention from men felt good in ways that hadn't felt good when I received unwanted attention as a girl. By cheating, I felt in control and empowered, things that were taken from me when I was young. It was a way to distract myself from the things inside that I didn't want to or know how to deal with.


In addition to learning about sexual power, I was on a journey to learn these ESSENTIAL things- to understand why I was cheating and how to stop:


Family Patterns, Attachment Style, Boundaries, Embodiment, Core Desires and Honest Needs.



If you only view cheating as the worst sin of a relationship without digging deeper into WHY you cheated and creating safety and self love in your body, you'll continue to live with deep shame or fear the pattern will repeat itself.



Here is what I learned about WHY I cheated and how I FULLY healed the lineage of cheating:


I witnessed lying as a way to protect self and other. Growing up there was a lot of what I refer to as "back door" communication. I saw stepping outside of relationships without consent as a way to protect all involved, mostly the self. Seeing my elders avoid their own raw reflections, instead burying their problems in distractions of all kinds, taught me that when things get challenging, you take what you need and try not to get caught. I learned how to lie for the people around me, until it became second nature. There was always two layers of reality. The storyline I knew I was supposed to uphold, and the truth. I was practiced in navigating both without breaking a sweat. But it had consequences. Lying made my body sick. In the past when I have told some of my deepest lies, my body followed suit. Take note where in your life the truth is coming out of the cracks. It always will find the sunlight.


I had an anxious attachment style. I needed a lot of affirmation that I was doing a good job, being a good girl, not upsetting a caretaker, friend or family member. When I would get a hint of dissatisfaction or disapproval as an adult, I found myself trying to fill the bottomless pit of self doubt. Because of what I had been exposed to as a kid, men felt like an easy fix. I knew how to flirt, say the things they wanted to hear and spill my sexual energy all over the place. They would in turn offer me the things I needed. Validation, self esteem boosts, companionship, acceptance. Needless to say I had a lot of family wounding to address. It's important to learn your own attachment style and what wounding leaves you vulnerable to cheating.


I had leaky and ungrounded boundaries. I would often think cheating just "seemed to happen". Finding myself confused by how I would end up in a compromising circumstance. Replaying what just happened and feeling confused and filled with shame and self hatred. Whether you are the one instigating cheating or find yourself in situations you don't intent to be in, a lack of strong and clear internal boundaries is just as much as an ignition as the person that is pursuing. There is no room for pretending "not to know" the vibes you are giving off. Your energy speaks VOLUMES before you even open your mouth. If your mind says "NO" to cheating, but your energy is uprooted and your intentions are messy, you're a "YES" to things unfolding. Getting brutally honest with yourself about how you're leaving your energy open is crucial to creating trust in yourself. If you are unaware of your energy, people around you will always read your energy before you even have time to catch up.


I was not embodied. Even though I knew how to leak my sexual energy, I didn't know how to embody it. We are ALWAYS running sexual energy, it's the animated force that keeps us alive. Without creative energy running through our veins, we would die. Because I did not know what embodiment meant, I would "play dumb", consciously and subconsciously blocking out my own attraction to men or being admired in my innate feminine qualities. I would use my energy as an external toy, but never step into it and become empowered through it. You can feel the difference when you're around someone who uses their sexuality as a seemingly humble welcome mat or overt play thing VS. a somatically aware and integrated sexual human. When you become a master of your creative force, people around you feel it. And your (potential) partners will too.


I was afraid to share my Core Desires. I am a naturally sexually curious person. And I was afraid my partners would judge me for this. It wasn't until I identified my fantasies and desires and unraveled the shame surrounding them, was I able to really share myself with a partner. I often hid aspects of my internal world from partners in hopes to "fit in" or not be seen as weird or kinky. Afraid I would lose their love and approval. I learned that our Core Desires are often born out of childhood wounding, when our brains are forming alongside our sexuality. When I fell in love with ALL my kinky parts and understood how and why my core desires were born inside me, I felt a compassion and confidence in myself I had never had before.


I was not being HONEST with what I needed. I was too afraid to be honest with my partners about what I needed. And most times I didn't even know what that was or how to put it into words. But I always knew something was missing and decided to try and find it in secret rather than be vulnerable and get support to talk to my partner. I didn't want to make my partner feel badly that I needed more. And in an effort to protect them and protect myself from having a really hard conversation, I started lying to get my needs met. It's never easy to look our deepest needs square on, but when we avoid those needs, they always take root someplace else. Don't make the mistake of ignoring how pivotal these needs are and how determined they are to be seen, one way or another.



When I started to understand that I was literally loosing my life force energy to cheating, robbing me of the joy and devotion present in my relationship and myself, I began to see that the act of cheating and LYING was a self harming behavior. It was an externalized version of self mutilation, because I was mutilating my energy every time I needed a fix. Fragmenting my heart, my integrity, my sense of peace. I may have felt alive in the moment, because I was feeling "connected". But because these experiences were not rooted in my authentic and transparent self, they were a life line flapping in a storm, untethered and thus, undigestible. None of that attention ever nourished my roots because it couldn't reach them. I was disconnected from myself.


When I started learning Somatic Healing tools, I became allergic to lying. Cheating didn't feel desirable anymore. Healing did.


With everything I have learned, I feel so deeply nourished by my own sexual energy and know how to circulate it in my body, to revitalize myself instead of starve myself.


I love all of the parts of my sexuality. I feel proud of their resilience, their reasons for being born. I know how to listen to their needs. I see the landscape of my sexuality with the beautiful diversity any ecosystem needs to thrive. I love my sexual boundaries and have digested their medicine. I am able to be in constant circulation with my sexual energy without spilling it and wasting it's purpose. I can speak openly and without shame about my past because of the deep gratitude I have for the growth it has offered me and the healing I hope I can share with others who have lived with this pain.



Having said all this, I have hurt those I love.


I wish I could say I understood on a deep level the complete devastation and trauma I had caused my partner. And at times I thought I had. But looking back, I didn't fully comprehend that until, I myself, was cheated on.


Stay tuned for PART 2 - What I learned from being cheated on.



If you're struggling with issues surrounding infidelity - holding shame, confusion, heartbreak or regret you don't have to hold it alone. There is healing available and a path to deep integration and peace. Please feel free to reach out if you need support.

 
 
 

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